Our Gift to You
by Missyhissy3
Summary: VAMB Secret Santa 2014; Episode coda to 'Macrocosm', Season three.


AN: This was written for my first VAMB Secret Santa, for TheJesser who requested 'a JC story'. I took that to mean I could do whatever I liked – so I couldn't resist reviving the Tak Tak, my personal favourite of the DQ aliens. Thanks to northernexposure for the beta read. Another Delta Quadrant Diplomacy Disaster - 1 = His Just Deserts; 2 = All in a day's work

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><p>Delta Quadrant Diplomacy Disasters: no 3<p>

Episode Coda for 'Macrocosm', Season three.

Our Gift to You

Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay are standing side by side in the ready room at the foot of the steps that lead up to the raised seating area. Both are maintaining the posture that Neelix has advised as appropriate for diplomatic meetings – legs hip-width apart, arms by their sides and palms facing forwards. They are watching the Tak Tak Consul and Neelix, who are facing each other in front of the ready room desk.

As their negotiations draw to a close the Captain is feeling pleased with the way things have gone, particularly, she reflects, since the Tak Tak have a well-deserved reputation for being easily offended and unforgiving. And they have been known to open fire at the drop of a hat. Literally.

Neelix hands the Tak Tak Consul the small medical canister containing the antigen that the Doctor was able to synthesise to inhibit the ability to replicate of the macrovirus infecting this region of space.

"Our thanks." The Tak Tak Consul takes a step towards the Captain and bows low. As he continues to speak he stretches his arms straight out either side of him, pointing his fingers up vertically towards the ceiling as he bends, "Your generosity appreciated."

"You're welcome. And please accept our thanks too, for the gift of the dilithium crystals." Janeway replies as she steps forward with a bow of her own, stretching her arms wide, in a graceful, almost balletic movement. Then she straightens up, enjoying the look of approval on Neelix's beaming face. The Consul seems to be satisfied with her effort, so she continues, "They more than compensate for the destruction of our secondary power couplings."

The Consul inclines just his head this time. "Our pleasure, Captain." Then he throws one arm out in a sweeping gesture that seems to indicate the whole room, or conceivably the whole ship. "Further social exchanges desired. For you and your mate a ceremonial dinner prepared this evening. Our thanks for the antigen so kindly shared." Another deep bow. "Our sorrow again," this time he bends over sideways from the waist, raises one arm over his head and turns his head ninety degrees so that Kathryn is presented with his profile, "for our attempts to purify your vessel."

"There's no need for further apologies, Consul," Janeway replies, instinctively lifting her hands in front of her, but looking nervously to Neelix, who shakes his head rapidly. She quickly drops them to her sides. "That is very kind. We are simply passing through this sector however, and we are keen to get on our way."

The Consul's fingers flutter quickly across his chest and he raises his chin. "The dinner, great importance. Thanks necessary."

"We understand," Neelix interjects deferentially, looking straight up to the ceiling and curving one arm up around his head. "Thanks must indeed be given." Then he shoots an urgent glance at Kathryn. He appears to believe it would be wise to accept this invitation.

The Consul continues, sweeping his hand around the room again. "Captain Janeway and her mate, attendance required." Then he raises one arm over his head, bent at the elbow, and turns his head to the side, "Displeasure given again? Purification of your vessel not yet forgiven?"

"I assure you, you haven't displeased us. We have accepted your apologies for the near destru- the purification of our vessel." Janeway bows again, but this time she feels herself becoming more than a little impatient with the Consul.

_Just accept the damned apology and be done with it._

But it seems the Tak Tak are not to be hurried.

The Consul begins again, "My mate and I honoured to entertain you and your chosen one." This time he shifts quickly on the spot several times, and Kathryn wonders if he's engaging in some sort of meaningful dance. She hopes it isn't a preview of the entertainment on offer this evening at this ceremonial dinner. Clearly Neelix is right, it's time to acquiesce to this 'offer' of obligatory hospitality, if only to get the Consul out of her ready room so she can stop worrying about her every tiny movement.

"I see, well, Commander Chakotay and I will be happy to attend," she finally forces out, managing a small bow.

"Your mate? Your chosen one?" the Consul enquires, pointing both hands forward towards Chakotay, who seems suddenly fascinated by his regulation Starfleet boots.

"He is my first officer," Kathryn replies, careful not to add any gestures or body movements whatsoever.

"Your mate?" The Consul looks suddenly confused and distressed, and his fingers begin to flutter more rapidly. He crosses his arms tightly over his chest and looks at the floor as he continues, his tone urgent, "Your earlier explanation, many years of travel. Intimate companionship necessary."

Janeway hears Chakotay clear his throat as he looks up and she can't help catch his eye. Immediately she wishes she hadn't as the desire to giggle suddenly grips her. She looks down, sucks in her cheeks and balls one hand into a fist. She digs her fingernails deep into her flesh in an attempt to contain herself, forgetting that these gestures may carry some unintentional meaning. After a few seconds she's regained enough self-control to lift her head and continue.

"Well, humans are capable of functioning perfectly well without a mate."

"Adults humans?" The Consul looks up and lifts both arms from his sides to shoulder height, bends them at the elbow and flicks back his wrists so that his palms are facing the ceiling. "Astonishment!" he exclaims suddenly.

"Yes, I assure you," Kathryn replies calmly, "it is no great inconvenience for us."

"Intimate pleasures essential to wellbeing," their guest lectures, bringing his arms down and squeezing his elbows close to his body while pointing his hands and forearms at the officers in front of him and sticking his chin high into the air.

Neither Neelix nor Chakotay seem inclined to help the Captain explain here, and she begins to suspect one or possibly both of them may be secretly entertained by her obvious discomfort.

"Offspring not desired?" the Consul then asks abruptly, raising his bent arms again in the gesture Kathryn surmises might be used to accompany certain questions.

"Well," she replies, "that's considered a very personal matter by our species, and not all humans necessarily procreate."

"Species of truly alien nature," the Consul states with evident further astonishment, if Kathryn is reading his gesture correctly.

Then he bows low again and this time he almost touches the floor with both hands. "Your matelessness, my condolences." Just as she's wondering quite how to receive that comment, he suddenly straightens up and looks her in the eye. "A substitute mate will be provided at the ceremonial dinner. Our gift to you."

"Thank you," she says quickly, almost forgetting to bow, "but that _really_ won't be necessary."

"Our insistence," he claps impatiently. "Technology available with ease. Simple scan of human male required." He points towards Chakotay, "Functioning replicated substitute of great anatomical accuracy. Our gift to you. Our further apologies."

Kathryn really hopes she is misunderstanding what is being offered – threatened – here. "_Please_ believe me, Consul, when I say that _really_ isn't necessary."

"Our gift unacceptable?" the fluttering fingers are off again, and he's dipped so low this time that he must be able to see the individual fibres of the ready room carpet.

_Hope the damn thing's clean_, Kathryn thinks.

The Consul is still swishing his arms backwards and forwards in an agitated fashion, "Unforgiven our offences remain."

"It's not that, really." Janeway flounders in exasperation, lost for words now and looking imploring at Chakotay and Neelix for help, "It's just, that it would be- "

Kathryn has already noticed that her first officer is studiously avoiding eye contact with anyone and now she sees that he's actually shaking very slightly. She can't decide whether this is because of the strain of supressing his amusement or whether he's actually struggling to maintain the posture appropriate for matters of diplomacy. Either way, he's absolutely no help to her at all here.

Thank goodness her chief morale officer finally responds to her beseeching looks.

"Consul, your solicitousness most pleasing," Neelix replies on her behalf, "Our apologies," he continues, bending sideways at the waist, and twisting his head ninety degrees to present the Consul with his profile, mirroring the Tak Tak's earlier gesture. "Captain Janeway unaccustomed to your language, your question misunderstood. Her explanation inadequate. Commander Chakotay most capable first officer." Janeway's eyes widen, as Neelix's next far less obscure gesture involves an alarmingly sudden forward thrust of his pelvis. "The Captain's needs well catered for. Gift of the substitute unnecessary."

The Consul flutters his fingers violently and bends sideways from the waist himself again. "Our apologies once more, Mr Neelix."

Then he turns and bows low to Chakotay, whose face remains remarkably composed, but his dancing eyes and the flush rising up his neck announce loudly to Kathryn just how close the man is to losing control of himself.

"Forgive me Commander Chakotay. Little experience of off-worlders. Your customs most alien. No offence to you and your Captain intended. Her expression unclear. More practice with our language needed to avoid further embarrassment. Long life, many children and good health to you and your Captain Janeway. Your presence at dinner most anticipated."

Chakotay manages a passable bow in response to this address, but fails to lift his face back up and remains studying the carpet – which Kathryn concedes is probably for the best right now.

Then the Consul turns and bows again to Janeway, "Good health, strong body, clear mind, Captain Janeway. Your arrival eagerly awaited this evening."

Neelix winks at Janeway and then with a wide sweep of his arm and a deep bow of his own, he gestures towards the door and shows the Tak Tak Consul out.

Kathryn and Chakotay hear only the first part of the little Talaxian's attempt at conversation with the Consul, as their guest precedes him out onto the bridge. "Your customs fascinating, Consul," Neelix begins, "These substitutes – you possess the ability to replicate any species?"

The door swishes shut behind them and Janeway turns to Chakotay, "Please tell me I'm hearing things here, because I'm wondering if I need to relieve Mr Neelix of his duties as unofficial ambassador after what I think he just claimed."

"My Tak Tak may not be up to much either, but actually I think you might need to promote him. I think he just saved you from being presented with a man-sized 'intimate companion substitute' – possibly based on my physical parameters - in the middle of the ceremonial dinner tonight."

They lock eyes and suddenly Kathryn knows that this is the last straw. The two of them collapse into fits of uncontrollable laughter. She finds herself having to put both hands on her desk to steady herself. A few seconds are written off completely in this way and then she attempts to regain her composure. But there are tears of laughter falling now, and looking at him really doesn't help. He's crying too.

Finally, she manages to squeeze out an order, her voice coming out several tones higher than usual at first. "As soon as Harry confirms that the Consul has beamed back, can you catch up with Neelix and make sure he knows to keep this little episode between the three of us?"

"Yes, Captain," Chakotay replies, as he squares his shoulders and dabs the corner of one eye with his cuff. He clears his throat and stands to attention almost, hands clasped tightly behind his back, but then he adds, "I think that's a good idea, because this time Mr Paris might not be the only one who would have something to say about Neelix spoiling all the fun by declining that gift on your behalf."

Kathryn isn't going to let him derail her attempts to collect herself, so she opts for attack. "You can wipe that smirk off your face, Commander! I'd like to see you handle a situation like that any better."

He's clearly having none of it yet though and he waggles his eyebrows at her, his grin as wide as a Cheshire cat's, "Next time, Kathryn, if it gets you out of a tight spot, you have my permission to claim straight away that I'm your mate, your chosen one, your personal slave or whatever else the situation requires."

"Very gracious of you, Commander," Kathryn mutters, finally able to relax a little as the urge to giggle slowly recedes again.

_Oh God, how are we going to get through a whole evening with them?_ she thinks.

And then she pretty much continues her train of thought out loud. "The Tak Tak Consul might be right about one thing though."

"Oh?" he queries, a mischievous twinkle in his eye.

Janeway scowls. "I mean when he said I needed more practice with their language."

"Actually, I thought you acquitted yourself admirably, Captain," he offers with a plausible level of conviction.

Janeway purses her lips, unconvinced. "I only hope your interest in anthropology means you have more of a feel for it than I do. Otherwise this could be one tricky ceremonial dinner – without Neelix to keep us on the straight and narrow."

Chakotay chuckles. "I'll admit though, I do find some of their gestures and expressions fascinating. What was it he said, 'Intimate pleasures essential to wellbeing'? I'd enjoy studying Tak Tak culture in more detail actually."

She shoots him a withering look.

"Purely from an anthropological point of view, obviously," he adds quickly.

"You better tread carefully here, Commander, or the only thing you'll find yourself studying in more detail is the inside of the brig."

"Yes, Ma'am."

Janeway scowls at him, then raises her chin and waves a cautionary finger. "Seriously, Chakotay, I suggest we both take the time to study the information Neelix has put together very closely before we beam down to this ceremonial dinner."

"Understood," he replies, his still-dancing eyes belying the oh-so professional expression of well-practised neutrality he is in the process of resuming.

She motions for him to precede her as they exit the ready room. "Oh, and I can give you one tip already; whatever you do, don't put your hands on your hips."

He chuckles as the door swishes shut behind them and they pass in front of Tuvok's station and head for the command centre of the bridge together.

Kathryn catches Chakotay's eye as they sit down, then he leans across and says, "I get the feeling there's a story I'd like to hear there. Why don't you fill me in?"


End file.
